MY CATALYST TO FIND THE TENNHAUSER GATE

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In the classic film Bladerunner the character Roy Batty played by Rutger Hauer at the end of the film gives a monologue that stirred my soul as a young man and imprinted me forever. He spoke deeply of the spectacles he had seen in his short but oh so brilliantly bright life. He witnessed attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, he had seen c-beams glitter in the darkness near "The Tennhauser Gate". Sadly, all those moments were to be lost in time like tears in rain as his last breath escaped his lips.

As Roy released a single dove from his dying hands into the heavens above something changed inside of me forever. I knew in my 16 year old heart that I too was destined to live an exceptional and profoundly meaningful life.

MAKING A CONSCIOUS CHOICE

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I remember feeling an immense appreciation for life and a fresh perspective view of the short time we have here on this spinning blue gem we call Earth. I felt compelled to make the most of my life and share the brilliance I have within me and to find the right people to share the journey with me to make way to see those c-beams glitter near the Tennhauser Gate.

There was only one problem standing in my way. My mother. Evil Lynn as I like to call her was a divorced, codependent, welfare ridden, borderline alcoholic, lying, chain smoking, post suicidal, emotionally abusive, vengeful bitch. She was hellbent on doing everything possible to keep me, and my siblings grounded from ever getting off the ground or out from under her manipulative, controlling web.

At the time we were all stockhold syndromed into thinking this way of abuse in life was normal or

Quoting Roy interacting with his maker,... "I want more life FUCKER!"

"THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ALIVE...
- TO FEEL PAIN"

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Already by age 16 I was weighted by an overwhelming sense of despair and hopelessness. I remember thinking how much I hated life, I remember taking on so many of the fears and limited beliefs I was being pounded in daily as I was whipped with belts, hangers, spatulas and paddles every time Evil Lynn had a bad day and couldn't handle her own shitty life. If any of us kiddies stepped out of her thin lines she drew us into harsh physical punishment and then topped it off with large doses of mental and emotional abuse. She drew lines in the sand and then kept them moving and changing where those lines were every day, so we never knew when or why we would be slapped across the face or beaten for just having a weird look on or saying something that challenged her authority. She controlled every single aspect of our young and impressionable lives and made sure we were reminded of it every day.

What I learned much too late in life was,... My siblings and I had been raised by a full blown toxic-covert narcissist.